Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Guess I'll just be a bad mom...

I thought that now that my kids were off formula I'd have left this part of me behind.  Nope.

I had my heart set on breastfeeding.  When Bubba was born they showed me how to use a breast pump so I could store milk for him to have when he started on milk (in case you don't know, many preemies aren't started on milk right away, they are given something called TPN and Lipids...lots of fat and other things they need to grow).

I was getting maybe an ounce a day.  Do you know how bad I felt watching other mom's bring in gallon bags full of breast milk storage bags?  I was drinking so much water that my urine was almost clear...I was taking the meds, drinking the teas and taking the herbs.  I was working close with a lactation consultant.  Nothing was helping.

Once Bubba was old enough to nurse (around 3 weeks after his birth) I was able to nurse him...but he wasn't gaining any weight.  I wasn't producing milk.
My boobs never felt full, never grew, nothing.  I broke down in the hallway of the hospital the day I found out I wasn't making enough milk for him and they had to give him formula.  I was devastated.

Hubby asked me if it was more important that he nurse and get very little to nothing or if he get the formula so he can grow and come home.  The choice was easy after that.  

I kept trying to get some kind of supply, but after weeks of stressing out over it...and my c/s scar not healing and loosing weight...the lactation consultant was the one who suggested I stop trying.
Guess what?  I was much happier after that.

Diva?  Well, she wouldn't latch.  I tried for weeks, pumping during this time too...and nothing.  I contacted the La Lache League  and the Lactation Consultant at the hospital, no luck.  Finally, at about 6 weeks or so, I just gave up.  I was getting nothing when I pumped this time around and my boobs didn't feel any different then they normally do.
I don't make milk and to some, that makes me a bad mom. 

You know, it took me joining a site that is supposed to help mothers find support for me to realize that I'm a bad mom.

I mean not only did I formula feed my kids, but I circumcised my son...and both were born via c-section...and my kids have all their vaccines...and my oldest went to day care...and the only reason the youngest didn't was for health reasons...I'm a working mom, hell, I own my own business!  

Yet I have 2 happy, healthy and smart kids...all because I'm a bad mom :0)

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